What I Never Expected to See in the Mirror

I knew I had some spots on me that could be pre-cancer but I guess this is what I never expected to see in the mirror.  When these two spots came back as two different types of cancer (not melanoma), and the plan of action to remove it, I was a little…. ummm…. shocked. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. To me that call was a sweet reminder of the enemy to inform me that “I am out to kill. Steal. And DESTROY your confidence!” 

And he did.

I printed out my scriptures from the Word of God to fight this battle of faith. While nursing sweet Benjamin I would stare at those verses and sometimes I would get enough faith to mutter them out loud. 

It wasn’t the cancer itself that was a problem because many people have skin cancer which is the easiest and best cancer to have, right??! It was the fact that he was after my faith, fear and confidence in Christ.  He went for my FACE!! He was, and is, after how we see our reflections in the mirror. How dare he stoop so low. 

Yet, although I know better, he got me good.

The cancer was removed rather quickly and easily from my chest. Stitches healed and removed in a matter of 2 weeks. Yet, 5 weeks ago I went in for a typical mohs procedure to remove the cancer from my forehead (the cancer that the general practitioner told me wasn’t cancer…another story for another time). 

They start digging away at my forehead. This doctor came back the first time with the results and said “we’re going to be here awhile.” It didn’t look good. 

That’s when I started to shake. 

Worry. 

Fear. 

I obviously texted Robert to come be with me. The “three hour max” surgery time might be the longest three hours I ever spent. 

I hadn’t seen ANY pictures online because I didn’t want fear to set in. Therefore I stayed clear from the Internet.  So I let Robert do all that for me. 😉 And I’m glad I did that. Robert didn’t tell me what was really about to happen to my face. 

An emotionally exhausting 5 1/2 hours later, the cancer was all gone and I was sent home with an unstitched quarter sized “ice cream scoop” out of my forehead. Yes, I know!! I didn’t know that skin could go THAT deep either!!! 

Long story short (yes, this is the short version! Ha)

I still have a “hole” in my forehead but I feel that I’ve turned a corner. My spirit has been strong and my mind is now catching up. 4 days back in the gym and I’m getting back to who I KNOW HE created me to be. 

Yes, I’m still 30 lbs away from prepregnancy weight & 40 lbs from my fittest, but that’s SO okay with me right now.

These last 5 weeks were meant for evil but our good God is turning it for good!

The nights after locking the bathroom door to change my bandages, and cautiously and unnervingly get a glimpse of my face, I would crawl into bed afraid for Robert to even look me in the face. I just wanted to hide.

I would roll over and silently sob. 

Why? How? What if? 

The enemy would whisper to me how he’s filled my whole body with cancer. Not just my skin. He’d tell me when I’m going to die. How I’m going to die, and that I’ll never be used by God.

Just simple lies that I didn’t want to hear but I kinda believed. 

Robert, knowing my struggle even without me having to say a word was my rock. He wouldn’t try to jazz me up or make me feel better. He’d just hold me as I silently sobbed from the pits of my soul.

So much fear.

He would pray over me and pick me back up out of my drowning sorrows. He lifted me back into the Truth of Christ.

And that is this….

In my reflection is HIS perfection. 

In my reflection is HIS perfection.  

And in that perfection is our purpose, potential, and all things beautiful! 

This is the message I have been honored to teach many times to women of all ages and it has never been more tested in these last 5 weeks, yet more true. How to walk confidently when you’re 30 pounds overweight…

when you don’t see your face in the mirror anymore…. 

when people don’t recognize you because of your bandages and weight gain….

when you see fear in all things….. 

I’m in the middle right now. The next battle is the cancer on my ear. To which I am praying I get to keep all of my ear. Dead cancer cells in the name of Jesus. 

Yesterday was the first day I looked out the window while doing dishes and could whisper to God “thank you”….. thank you for never leaving me, thank you for giving me more beauty than what I see in the mirror…. thank you…. thank you Lord. What the enemy meant for evil, God WILL use for His good!!! Thank you Father for using me. 

I missed you!

Living Intentionally Focused Everyday (LIFE)

Jamye