Have you ever struggled with this one emotion?

What a weekend that was!

  • Celebrating 10 years of marriage.
  • Alone time with Robert.
  • Being equipped and inspired with 5,000 other people.

struggled with fear

Words cannot express this weekend.

Yet, words cannot express the feelings I felt prior to the weekend.  The invisible words pinging through my mind and heart prior to departure…

You see, it wasn’t all bells and whistles preparing for this three day, two night getaway.  In fact, I had to internally wrestle Goliath the devil himself. Or so it felt.

Something you may not know about me is that I struggle with fear.  Big time.  I would like to say that I’ve completely conquered it but I haven’t.  It’s a struggle.  Since my encounter with God in 2007, I know how to overcome it.  But it’s still a struggle I have to fight.

Childhood Fear

What you may not know is that every day when I was ten years old I was waiting for my mom to die.  I was filled with fear every time I would walk home from school.  I would walk into the door of the house and yell “Moooom!!!!????” And if she didn’t respond within ten seconds, panic would set in.

Would I find her dead on the floor?

I would be left to household full of masculine, non-“Full House” watching, sports watching men.  A dad and four brothers.  That terrified me completely too!  Would I ever learn how to date?  Wear a bra?  Have friends?  Be a wife?  Be a mom?  Learn how to cook?? {That said, I still don’t know how to cook…just saying…} All of these “what-ifs” that stole my entire tenth year of living.

That’s just silly Jamye, isn’t it?  You might be subconsciously asking yourself.

And yes.  Yes it sure was.  The only problem was that at 10 years old I had poor reasoning skills.  I figured that since my dad’s mom had died suddenly and without reason at ten years old, then my mom would too.  I set myself up for such disappointment.  And to bring my case in point home, my dad is a pastor.  My dad received midnight phone calls about sudden needs for hospital visits, and deaths of loved ones.  Oh my!  My little concerned mind and heart couldn’t handle seeing the pain of others!  A young mom passes away to leave behind a husband and three little ones.  Whaaaat??!!?  I was terrified.

Wow.  Enough of the intro.

Here’s the heart of this post.

This weekend the full circle of fear came around.  I wasn’t scared that my mom was going to die.  I was scared that I was going to die.  This time, I feared the sadness of heart that our two littles, Emma 5 and Shyloh 2 1/2, would be left with.

Without parents…without a mom.

I KNEW that I wasn’t going to die.  Yet, I was still scared!  Such the cycle of fear.  Knowing the boogie man isn’t really under your bed yet you run ferociously out of the bed into light.  Into the light where you can see that there is no boogie man.

Wow.  Looks like you know why I was excited to marry a psychologist and not a pastor!  😉

This weekend I struggled FEAR.  I took a big step of “what ifs” and went into the realm of the unknown.  I did it with faith.  Sure…  we had our “if we die” enveloped and sealed which included:

  • Life Insurance coverage for both of us
  • Will completed and signed
  • Letters to both of the girls

That envelope just pacified me and allowed me to go with a bit more confidence.

No one really knew about my fear.  I joked about it.  Laughed about it.  I didn’t think about it too much.  But I let it stay there long enough to get my neck tied in a knot and feel like I packed 1,000 pounds of cargo on my back.

The point though is this.  I was afraid.  I walked through my fear {pathetically stressed at times}.  Yet, I came out the other side alive.  Fear didn’t kill me.  I would like to think it made me stronger.  Not the fear but the fearlessly walking through it to show myself it doesn’t exist.  What I’m afraid of is but a mere hologram of the enemy trying to steal my joy.

“The thief comes to steal kill and destroy but I, Jesus, have come that you might have life and life to the full!” John 10:10

On the drive back home Robert and I were laughing and enjoying the time of our life. With a bit more confidence I said to him “This was so fun! Who knows, maybe I’ll get a little crazy and we can start doing all those things I’m scared to death of that you want to do!…except sky-diving…never will.”

He flirtatiously looked over to me and said “I’d like to see that…and I don’t want to sky dive either.” His heart winked at me.

Who knows.  We might.

Maybe you struggle with fear too.  I get it.  I do.  But overcoming it is so much better, right?  I remember my second oldest brother telling me when I was a teenager and scared to go on a youth water ski trip that:

If you spend your entire life in this fear, you’ll never have any fun in life.

His words have always stuck with me.  And boy was he right. This weekend would’ve been a shame to miss.  But I didn’t.  In fact, I cannot waaaaait to tell  you all about it!!  From my

  • “sorta-selfie” with Chris Hogan,
  • to the guy with beer winning $1,000,
  • to riding the elevator in our hotel with Dr. Meg Meeker, herself!

Wow.  I am full.

There’s a toast to ten fabulous years of marriage.  Here is to 40 + more!

Read my dream and join me in your dreaming too!

All my love!!!

Jamye

 

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